Big Feelings

By Carrie Siewert Sylvester

I have been on a journey of self-discovery. I’ve probably always been on this journey, but this time is different. It’s more thoughtful. It’s more serious. It’s more intentional. I don’t know exactly how it changed, but it has.

I am a dog lover. Often, my dog will bring me a random object after I return home. I’ve been told it’s a way to deal with their ‘big feelings.’ That term has stuck with me. I started drinking early to deal with my ‘big feelings.’ I was just about to start high school when it was decided that my family would move to a different state. I was already a terribly shy, introverted kid. While I couldn’t articulate it at the time, this was going to be hell. And it was. For a lot of different reasons. Not to be overdramatic, but it sent me on a path of self-sabotage that I am getting off of, even today. I can finally see that it didn’t destroy me, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I started drinking the summer we moved. I was 15. I had to start over and get to know a new place and new people. I met some kids in the neighborhood. We drank. I met more people and started hanging out and drinking with them. While we weren’t exactly the wrong crowd, we didn’t fit in. I drank to feel part of the crowd. I drank to feel more comfortable and ease my anxiety. I drank to be fun and be the person I wanted to be.

Next was college. I had a great college experience in a small college town. I lived in the dorms and made some great friends. We were good students, and many of us were binge drinkers. We drank from Thursday through Saturday. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. It was a ritual. It was so much fun, but looking back, it was so dangerous! I think back to those times and wish I could’ve known then what I know now. I want to protect that young woman from the things that happened.

Fast forward to adulthood. The binge drinking continued. I made bad decisions when I drank, and I don’t know how I survived without more serious consequences. As I got older, I realized I needed to deal with some things in my life if I wanted a different one. Therapy was my answer. It has helped me to understand why I did the things I did and as a result, I made much better decisions. However, I still didn’t connect it to the alcohol.

“I’m done covering up and being uncomfortable being uncomfortable. I own it. I’m dealing with my ‘big feelings’ and learning to be in my own skin.”

Turning 50 was my lightbulb moment. It made me start thinking about what our life would look like in retirement and beyond. For a variety of reasons, including some medical events unrelated to drinking that happened separately to both my husband and me, I started to kick it into high gear. If we didn’t start now, we would not have the life we wanted. We started to exercise consistently and eat better. We stopped eating out and now made home-cooked meals most nights. I am finding out that I really like to cook. I’m kind of obsessed with it!

I love the term mindful drinking. That is what I’m doing these days. I’m done covering up and being uncomfortable being uncomfortable. I own it. I’m dealing with my ‘big feelings’ and learning to be in my own skin. It’s not easy, but turns out. It’s worth it.